As far as birthdays go, this one was significant. Seventy is a big number and for years I tried to convince myself, not with much enthusiasm, that I wouldn’t live this long. Surprise! It’s particularly big because of what’s been going on in my life these past two years. Lots of dead friends… Dale, Murray, Daryl and Dave. Then there are the three close pals who have terminal illnesses. Others are stooping and losing their minds, preceded by their hair. The aging process is fraught with difficulties, most of which I can easily deny. I’m good at that. Dead friends however are permanent and can’t be ignored.
So, what does one do when faced with one’s own mortality on such a grand scale? And what does one do when one continues to enjoy good health? And what does one do when all of the aging experts tell us that we must enjoy life at it’s fullest while we can? And what does one do when your spouse also enjoys good health? Well, we go on a big trip of course. Vietnam, here we come.
It’s wonderful that we have our health and the resources to afford an adventure of this magnitude but the reality is, it would be so much easier to stay home. I love my condo. I find peace with my routines. The familiar is such a safe, secure and stress free place to linger and spend one’s remaining years. Why in the hell do I want to go through this?
Lots about this so called adventure really sucks. Planning where to go, how to get there, what to do when we arrive, where we will stay…all of that is full of uncertainty and doubt. What do we have to take with us? Will the hotel room have a decent pillow? Will anyone speak any English? I hate getting up early to get to that awful place called an “airport”. Getting there is stressful. Will a traffic jam prevent us from catching our flight? Did the security guy at the terminal get up on the wrong side of the bed and decide he’s going to give me a rough time? How long will the lineup be? All that, and I haven’t even arrived at the gate. Yes, it would be so much easier to stay home and finish reading the most recent Jack Reacher novel that I only have available for 4 more days.
The thing is, staying put is not an option. At least not if I want to live my life on the terms that I set for myself many decades ago. My wife Karen sums it up best with one word. “Yes”. Whatever the question, or whatever the offer, or whatever the opportunity, the answer at 70 has to be “yes”. Any other answer is too awful to even consider, unless…..unless I want to shorten my runway and die sooner than I was intended to die.
Don’t get me wrong. That is an option. Some of us willingly choose that option and opt out early. One dead friend when diagnosed with cancer told us that he was “tired”. I get that. I sometimes get tired and think how easy it would be to simply give up, succumb to this impulse and hasten my demise. It’s not something I think of often but it’s in the same category as driving on a two lane highway and fantasizing how easy it would be swerve into the other lane and drive head on into that big dump truck. Just for the record, for all those who drive with me now or in the future, I would never do it. But I do think it. Is that wrong?
Perhaps this trip is one way to fend off death. I don’t really know. All I know is, I had to do it.